Today is the first day

of the rest of your life.

I’ve said that three times today and I’m still wrapping my head around it. I am thinking about how this blog was supposed to be a place where music/creativity intersected with collaboration and exploration. And here I come forth, spilling my guts.

2010 was about explosion. A lot happened, is happening still, I suppose. There was a lot of hurt, or better phrased, mourning. The reunion/reunification period I experienced with my Biological Grandmother stunned me and everything was happening so fast with the work/the writing that I had hardly the time to breath and take it all in. There was too much to be taken in. I felt at many times that accepting new family and being accepted by new family would somehow make me less who I am. It would detract from the me that was raised by a loving adoptive family that I feel very much a part of. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was no less a Brimmer than before the reunion period but I couldn’t help but recognize the lost feelings I was experiencing. I was displaced within my own life.

I feel an incredible closeness with my adoptive parents. The conversations that the reunion spurred about how they chose to raise me created this really transparent and idealized notion of familial love. What I mean to say is, they were able to articulate how they chose to parent an adopted child in a reasonable manner that made the emotionally messy less excruciating. If that’s all there is- lack of excruciating- let there be that!

Thinking back now, it’s the unknown that makes everything most difficult. It is the growing pain that I’ve alluded to time and time again (am even quoted in the NYT as saying). Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is a trusting relationship. These things take time and work.

A few weeks ago I made the decision to send off the notarized paperwork to WI’s Department of Child and Family Services in order to find my Birth Father. A man of lore really. I’ve been told stories about how he wanted to keep me, and tried to, laws being what they were at the time (and I believe a little to this day) made it very difficult for Birth Fathers to maintain custodial rights to their children after the mother’s abdication. He visited me in my foster home when I was very small. He might have even met my AFather.

Today I am starting a journey that may take a lifetime (mine or his) to steady. No pain, no gain, am I right?

I will never name names here. I will never accuse or batter here. I may cry. Tears are to be expected.

I will respond. Most likely in the cryptic style I hide behind. As a writer I have to write through it, I can’t just write around it. So now. . . I’m posting this blog and writing to you.

I should say forthright that no matter what the truth is for either of us. The truth of our histories and the fictions we have made for each other, we will always have both the reality of the other and the shadow story that we’ve been dreaming about for years. I think that both can be true. You will be who I thought you were, and also who you are.

This is the point of departure:

Ready, Steady, Go.

Advertisements
Leave a comment

3 Comments

  1. Nikki

     /  March 1, 2011

    so beautiful. You are such an amazing woman and friend. I am honored to be a part of your journey. No matter who you discover yourself to be you are always you and I love that. Te amo!

    Reply
  2. Oh Babe, you have no idea how much joy you bring to my life.

    I have never walked in your shoes and I was the one who sought you out so I have no idea what it felt like to be …the sought. I am so happy that you had a good family to raise you and that they are still behind you all the way, and I am so blessed to be able to have you in my life. Your other father, the one you are just getting to know, will come to feel that way too, I am sure.

    There is enough love to go around to encompass and include everybody.
    Te amo from this grandmother too.
    lorraine

    Reply
  3. Welcome to the blogging community…

    It takes time to be comfortable with having both your families in your world and not feel the conflicts of loyalty to either one. Eventually you may (or will) find that neither takes away from the other in your heart and life so you find peace.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: