Nobody reads this

so I know I can say this.

I’m listening to Buddy Guy and the awesome thunderstorm that is happening right now. It is well needed.

For both the earth and myself.

I’ve been trying to listen to as much blues as is possible lately. this is good and also… what it is. (yes, I still like that as a band name. )

The night does not know what it brings to us, the night… I think… knows very little. There is darkness and sometimes the light is Venus, sometimes Mars, sometimes lightning. The friends that I have continue to amaze me. I wish you could tell me why. I wish you could tell me anything… I didn’t know already.

I’ve been continuing a joke with good friends… the comeback you never expect anymore. No one does it anymore. Too sad. I’m having a hard time telling this person exactly the things I think I’d be prized to know. It’s quite difficult. Life, at this time, and at most times,is difficult. I just want to make this as easy as possible on you. I’m writing you here because writing you a specific email is too difficult. I k now you are moving…trans-state…that makes things more difficult. I want to tell you now that sometimes more difficult is more beautiful. Fact…F-A-C-T. There are many things I want to tell you… or even try to. Whether or not you are receptive. This is an open letter.

I’m sorry I don’t know how to be there for you.

Honestly, wish I did. There are feelings of wanting to protect you. Feelings that you can protect yourself. I know you can. I know you are strong. I want you to know I am there for you. Without it ever feeling like I can’t be, like I won’t /wouldn’t be, like it would end up public, when you don’t want that. I now this is. But that is my reality. This had been a release, had been a place for diary like exaltion of my daily woes as a writer =not a person… (sigh). And now, a person.

Wrote that all with my eyes shut, in fact.

I remember my first few days of college. Shopping in unfamiliar territory, with my money from summer work. And my surprise when the boy I thought loved me was found to be loving other women, my listening to 98 degrees and gin and tonics and the impression I made on my floor as “that girl” (funny story really) but an even gentler impression could have really been made, had I been willing to try.

I want for you a gentle impression. I want for you the semblance of normalcy you dream of. That’s what I wanted for me. I remember how (in)tangible that seem(s)(ed).

Now)

I want you to know, no matter what, I will always protect you…. whether you like it or not. I will always want to protect you. That is how my older sisters raised me. with the yearning to protect me… until I left and there was none. No protection to be had. There are “sisterly things” and roles I want to take and engender in you because I want to. Because I think I would be an awesome older sister. I have never been one. I’d like to try.

I’m going to have to do this like Laurie Carlos and Andy P. suggested. As best I can, an actual 100 percent and one day at a time. He’s going to hate that I said it like that, but that is what it is.

I want for us an actual interpersonal relationship that I feel is being obviated in this moment.

Lightning.

I want for us a minute that will actually be just us. It may happen after all of the other this that is happening, but I hope that you know I want you to control as much as possible. Though I’ve learned a lot from the gifts that happen from not being in control. I also know the difference between handling and being handled.

I’m a lot, I get it. I’ve always been a lot.

There is no reason other than wine to post this in the rain, over blues, contemplation, and repetition. These are the things.

These are the things.

I’m sorry.

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