what’s interesting

is I never knew what would come out of this blog when I started it. I figured it’d be a whole lot like the blog that I had on my Myspace in my young angstly bloggy stage. While I reserve most residual angst as something that goes on in pre-writing between my Toshiba and I, I really feel that this space is coming together. It is an amalgamation of my interests. Art, collaboration, poetry, writing, jazz… You even get the ridiculous things I think of on my minieasyspeaktweets- btw you should follow me on twitter @2speakease .
I’m thinking today about my Birth Father. It’s not his birthday, or father’s day or any really vitally important day. My birth Grandmother (Lo) whom I’ve been in touch with starting in 2010 has really helped me realize that the time has come.
I think for a long time I had wanted to wait until I was at a place where I could ask that question and know that I could handle whatever the answer was (Who am I? Who is my father? my Mother? What could I have been?)
I think I’m there. 2010 has taught me a lot so far. You don’t need strength to be strong. You don’t need others to be strong. I really think it is more of a binomial probability. You are/ you are not. You can/ you can not. These are wholly reductive statements but there is some truth to them.

I thought, once I have the man in my life I’ll be ready. There is no man. There is no ready. There is now and desire.
I don’t know if I can know who I’d like to be with friendship and otherwise without knowing who I came from. Maybe that is the thing.

I told Gramma Lo that maybe identifying the questions is really the entirety of the battle. The whole thing, the it, the nut. Not the answers. Answers are final and life isn’t really final.

Anyhow, I’m in a place now where I feel comfortable in my skin and in my life. I have a sense of what I want from this great green chasm. I have a sense of integrity and place. Maybe some of that comes from my relationship with my new Grandmother. Maybe not. Either way denying its presence and doubling back on my self made promise would undo all the terrific growth and experience the last six or so years have given me.
I think as an artist the questioning in my work might stop. This is a grave concern, a grave fear. I don’t know if it is realistic. I’m not currently heartbroken, but I can still muster up a pouty poem if I need to. I think having lived in the questions and unknown for twenty some odd years I think I can handle a few of knowledge.

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5 Comments

  1. I thought, once I have the man in my life I’ll be ready. There is no man. There is no ready. There is now and desire.

    Oh, honey, I hear you and I am so proud of just being part of you. Even though I hardly have a right to feel that.

    Beautiful post.
    Gramma Lo

    Reply
  2. Ashley

     /  May 18, 2010

    I didnt read this until now. I so wish I would have. We have lots to talk about tonight. You are such an intelligent, amazing person. If anything your birth father should experience the wonder that is you!

    Reply
  3. pam

     /  July 1, 2010

    lisa, you could not ask for a better grandmother to help you on your journey! As an adoptee, I have followed her blog and learned alot from her.
    there is never a right time, or a time when we are truly ready as we think we need to be.
    good luck on your journey! you couldnt have found a nicer person to share it with.
    Pam

    Reply
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